even on the days that i didn't get ready and feel like jumping off a cliff he looks at me like i am the most beautiful person in the world.

that's one of the top 3 reasons i think i may or may not be falling in love with him.

Learning by Faith

I loved something I read in my Book of Mormon packet today.
[PS... If you have the chance to take a class from Brother Todd Parker, I highly suggest you do it.]

"Learning by faith opens the pathway into the heart."
Elder David A. Bednar, Feb. 2006

That's what I've been missing. I have been trying to learn by lots of study and lots of faith and prayers that He will help me, but actually learning by faith means something deeper.

I need to have faith that what I'm studying is true

and faith that what I'm learning is for a purpose

and faith that I will be able to remember this information for the rest of my life.



Trusting the Lord and allowing him to reach into my heart is next on my to do list. Starting tonight.

Someday.

A couple of nights ago after GGG the cutest 80-year-old man (ok, I am taking blog-atory license. I don't know his exact age.) I have ever seen came walking out, shook my hand, and said, "You're a pretty little thing, aren't you?"
I said, in the most sincere voice I could muster after a long day, "Thank you very much, sir! Did you enjoy the show?"
As I talked to him, I felt like he really cared about me, an insignificant little girl that had had a rough day and was about to fall over on her face.
Then the cutest old lady I have ever seen came down the line. As I shook her hand the old man stood behind me and whispered,

"And she's a pretty little thing, isn't she?"

I'm waiting for the man that looks at me with as much love, devotion, and respect as that man did to that beautiful woman, who simply glowed.

Someday.

dreams and believing.

The A-Team. [I suggest you see it edited, but I really liked it.]
Aly's Review: Funny and intense with a good love story and a little bit of thinking material.

(This is mainly for Laur (Face), Seren (B.A.), and Matt (Murdock)... Great movie night! Let's do it again soon!)

Why are we in a tank?
The plane exploded.
When?
Recently...

You spin me round, baby right round

I got bells palsy the last time i ate that.
The paralysis is only temporary!

Brother, you are far from okay.

Face it, I know this.
*** 
What is it you believe in?

Truth is worth the risk. I believe in you, even if you don't believe in me.

110 in the Shade [I'll probably be talking about it for the rest of my life...]

Oh, God, don't let me live and die alone.

Everything beautiful happens at night.
Maybe, could be, it just might be...

So, love, if you're looking for a quiet place, I've a heart that's absolutely free... Love, discover me.

It's just two words, "Don't go..." You have to say things like that, all the time!

You don't believe in anything. Even yourself.

You need to find yourself somewhere in between reality and dreams.
Simple little dreams will do.
All your life you look up at a star and one night you look down and it's just shining in your hand.
Suddenly I'm beautiful, beautiful with you.
And all alone by myself with nobody to guide me I decided to stop when I saw her beside me, and I knew that I sure shouldn’t go any further then, and so: And that’s how I got me a little red hat!
For the first time in my life, rain! So long, beautiful!
Come with me, Lizzie. Stay with me, Lizzie. And we'll have music...
Melisonde is a name for one night. Lizzie will last me my whole life long.

No one knows why marriage has been on my mind so much lately. Probably because there are so many people I know getting ready to be married. And multiple couples that I am watching fall apart. So this song hit home. File is telling Lizzie how he and his wife grew apart and then she left him. The hope Lizzie has, though, is how I hope to feel. This is the second half of "A Man and a Woman":

It doesn’t have to be like that.

It doesn’t need to end that way.

I know it’s hard, and yet I feel

That you can make it last forever.

For a man and a woman

Can be so close together

That they almost become like one.

They promise to love till life is done.

A man and a woman

Can be part of each other,

And though troubles may come and go,

The love that you have inside will grow.

Hard times come but that’s all right,

You know that you’ll pull through.

As long as you have each other,

There’s nothing you can’t do.

And the man and the woman

Who were so close together

Can be closer as time goes by,

As long as they both are willing to try.

Then the man and the woman

Will grow closer until the day they die.

This show puts so many of my hopes, dreams, insecurities and fears into beautiful words and music and then has a solution of balance and trust. Interesting how that happens. I think that's why I loved this show so much. I've always feared never finding someone that I want to spend the rest of eternity with or discovering that the person I've married doesn't care anymore. So many times I have felt plain. I have dreamed like Lizzie. And I still hope that my life will have a storybook happy ending, as juvenile and naive as that is.

I have so many dreams, most of them simple and plain. Getting married, having kids, being happy with who I am [along with little scenes of what I hope to see in my life someday]. But you can't live only in your mind where dreams come true. There's still reality, and you have to find your place somewhere in the middle. And getting your dreams all depends on believing in yourself. There is a kind of confidence that people who know and are working for what they want possess. Believing in yourself is second only to believing in your Heavenly Father. And, if you really think about it, they go hand in hand. I believe in myself because I know I am God's child and that He is helping me and guiding me in everything. And if i do the things my Heavenly Father is asking me to do, those righteous dreams of mine are much more likely to come true.

And it's about time to start believing in other people. Finding those people you can trust is absolutely necessary if you want to make it through life in one piece.

iris.

music is pretty much my life.

yup, that would explain it.
i sing out loud on a daily basis: in the car, at rehearsal, in my room, in the shower.
finding great new music has almost become an obsession.
to be quite honest with you, music has become something that i simply could not live without.

iris by the goo goo dolls is a song that has explained me as a human being since the first time i heard it years ago.

some of my favorite moments...
i know that you feel me somehow. you're the closest to heaven i'll ever be...
i just don't want to miss you tonight.
you can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies. when everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.
and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand. when everything's made to be broken, i just want you to know who i am.

it's hard to explain. there have been so many times since about ninth grade that this song has explained how i feel perfectly. funny how that works. in general, this song has put in words my being insecure and feeling afraid to show my true self to the world but finding that one person it's easy to trust. and when i find that one person, still being afraid to show them me because sometimes everything seems unreal and so unsure. it's something i'm working on, and i'm sure i'll be working on it for the rest of my life. i'm trying to let more people in and be more trusting, but sometimes it's hard. and this song is one i'm listening to a lot.

anyway, if you haven't heard this song, i highly recommend you doing that immediately.

hey, what do you know? iris is a shade of purple.

finding it.

purple.
finding it every day.
some days it's rough. most days it's easy.

today was one of the easy ones. some of the things that made my day purple...

being able to sit and talk through the wee hours of the morning with someone who listens. and then talks back. feeling that my ideas are worth listening to.
gettings hugs. the ones that you know mean the other person truly cares. feeling that i am worth loving.
the moment after winning an intense round of hand and foot. the winning wasn't the greatest part. it was after, the feeling that josh gave me and i knew that i was a worthwhile partner. feeling that i am valuable. [and that's a rare occasion when i'm playing card games]
singing along with guitar playing friends. feeling that i have no need to be self-concious and every reason to be myself.
walking through a park and watching a dad with his little girl. feeling that the world is a beautiful place.
talking and driving just because. feeling that i can be a good friend and i am a friend worth having. 
doing baptisms for the dead. praying for the people i was serving. feeling like i was able to help someone who was not able to help herself.
cleaning up breakfast. feeling like i can grow up and take care of myself and eventually others too.

these are just a few of the moments throughout the day where i caught glimpses of purple. they may not have lasted very long, but they were purple. it's so different for everyone. sometimes it is a person, sometimes a place, a song, an activity, an emotion. and it completely depends on you.
for me extended moments of purple, i have found, most often happen on stage, when i am singing and giving my heart to someone. but these extended moments do happen occasionally when i am sitting with someone and talking one on one about something important to me. giving my heart is not something i am able to explain. and honestly, it's not something that comes easy. at least for me. 1) i have never been able to communicate well. 2) there is always the fear of rejection. that's why there are not very many people i am able to completely share my heart with. it's scary sometimes. there are so few, in fact, that i can list them on one hand.

but i find it. in little moments. every single day.

where do you find your purple?

i've been thinking...

i know. it's a shocker.

i heard something recently that for some reason just keeps coming back.

everything everyone does is so they will be loved.

it's one of those pretty obvious things, but then you think about it a little bit longer, and you realize how true it is.

my biggest mistakes happened because i wanted to be loved.
but so did my biggest successes.

the reason it keeps coming back is because i find myself getting annoyed or frustrated with somthing someone is doing and then i think of the above statement. and i find i am quite a bit more accepting of stupid things people do or say, because i honestly know exactly why they do/say it. it's the same reason i do everything i do.

it's because feeling loved is such a unique gift. everyone gives it and everyone receives it, but each time it is given or received it is special.

and that's what makes life purple.

inspiration.

ok. i know this is a little bit late. or a lot late. but i am posting.

a couple of days ago the girl, the grouch and the goat (hereafter known as GGG) got done with practice early and a couple of us snuck into the back of 110 in the shade featuring audra mcdonald and will swensen. as soon as audra mcdonald walked on the stage i got goosebumps. like the kind of goosebumps that make you feel like your skin is going to pop. and then she opened her mouth. i cried. literally. tears flowing down my cheeks. if you haven't heard any of the music from 110 in the shade, i suggest you do so now. it might only have been brilliant because audra mcdonald was singing it, but after listening to it again, i'm pretty sure it is brilliant all on it's own.

audra mcdonald has a way of drawing an audience in and making them become completely connected to her. she walked on stage and my eyes didn't leave her, even while other actors sang and danced around her. i wish i could figure out how she does it. she does what i have been trying to do and wishing i could do and working toward for the past three years of my life. when she sang "old maid" my heart just about exploded because of the emotion that i felt from her. that kind of feeling is not acted. that is true pain. maybe i haven't lived long enough to have experiences that give you the ability to show an audience something like that, but she has a way of showing her heart that is unmatched by anyone i have ever seen.

the rest of the cast was amazing as well. i definitely wouldn't mind someone looking at me the way will swensen looked at audra and telling me that i am beautiful. h.c. [the father of lizzie] reminded me so much of my own dad that i immediately fell in love with him. they were all simply wonderful.

ok... now to the inspiring part. earlier this week i was in a rough spot emotionally and spiritually. i felt like i wasn't good for much of anything but i didn't really feel like trying. it was one of those ruts that seems impossible to get out of. but as i watched one of the most beautiful people i've ever seen do something that she had worked so hard for and is now one of the best, i realized something. i may never get to broadway or win a tony award or even do another show after GGG, honestly who knows where my life will lead me? but i am more than ordinary. whatever i choose to do, whether it is theater or getting married immediately [i'm not planning on doing that... but if it happens, it happens] or doing something i never expected at school, i will work hard for whatever it is and i will be worthwhile. i wiped my eyes and walked out of the theater feeling uplifted and ready to take life by the horns.

now tell me that truly amazing theater isn't something worth living for.

sh... it's natural.

I have a hard time deciding what to write.

There are lots of ideas in this brain of mine, but not enough willpower to say anything great about it. So, for this post I'm going to be super boring. You don't have to read it.

I am now officially into my summer. It's funny how quickly time goes by and how little I seem to be doing. But I actually have been doing stuff, I promise. Alright. Let's go backwards.
***
Today: It's my 18th birthday! Actually, it's now 12:52. So yesterday was my birthday. Unfortunately, it's not exactly as cool as you think it's going to be. I got a new computer... very exciting! I don't really know how to work it yet. It's finally kinda hitting that I'm getting ready to be old. I also got money, breakfast in bed, pictures, a journal, music, books, and a hand drawn picture of Jesus from my little brother. And lots and lots of happy birthdays from good friends.
***
Yesterday: I woke up in the back of a truck up Payson Canyon. I didn't sleep very well. Which is understandable seeing as I was sharing a sleeping bag with my cousin. But for the 4 hours I did sleep, I slept like a fitful rock.
And then... this is super exciting news... I went to the first cast meeting of The Girl, the Grouch, and The Goat which will be at the Hale Center Theater Orem from Aug. 19 to Oct. 2. J is directing and I'm thrilled to be a part of the cast! I had this wonderful realization as I watched a bunch of actors and actresses out of college act like high school drama kids... it never ends if you don't want it to! This may seem silly, but my home is with the people that truly enjoy themselves, and if truly enjoying yourself is dancing around to crazy music even when you're... for good measure let's say 50... then this is the place for me. I hardly know these people, and let's be completely honest, I felt almost right at home. We were laughing about the goofy lines during our read-through and coming up with crazy ideas for flying like a bird and a well. It was fantastic. I cannot wait to get to know these people better. I've seen a few of them in shows and admired them from a distance, and now I get to perform with them!! And I get to do it under the direction of my high school drama teacher and his wife.
Don't fret, I'm only slightly worried that I will have absolutely no social life the first 6 weeks of college.
Continuing on with my day... me and my bestie Q went to dinner at Cafe Rio where I stuffed myself with a pork enchilada/burrito. And I have been sworn to secrecy on what we did next.
OH! How could i forget?! I drove a stick shift. On real, true, legit roads. It was a feat of epic proportions.
While at Ross (that's your only clue as to what we did) we remembered one of the greatest adventures we had ever embarked upon. And we decided that it was absolutely necessary to play with the person who made us fall in love with flowered robes at Ross. So we went to my dear friend Matthew M's house. He has this brand new baby niece that has huge eyes and tons of dark hair. And I fell in love. It's fine that I want a baby immediately (haha... not quite. but almost). We went on a 'venture to a stake dance. I know, right? A stake dance. We didn't really dance because we felt weird. So we went to a park, where Matt refused to let me sit on the home plate of a baseball field. I did eventually, don't even worry. Then I grew really tired because of my lack of sleep and Q took me home.
***
Last Week: All week was the Shuler Family Reunion Camp-out. It's my favorite week of the summer. But literally. My week consisted of...
singing around the campfire.
telling stories around the campfire.
sleeping in the back of trucks and vans.
looking at the most incredible stars.
laughing at movie quotes and embarrassing stories.
telling boy stories.
getting toenails done.
sleeping in.
hail storms.
hikes/walks.
finding geocaches.
reading books for hours on end.
listening to stories.
watching art happen.
being baby hungry (sh... it's completely natural. how can you not be with 3 aunts/cousins due in the next 2 weeks?).
playing nertz. and other various games.
trying to play guitar.
being thoroughly dirty.
lots of cousins.
It was exactly what I had hoped it would be. It truly doesn't get any better than this.
***
The Week Before That: ST GEORGE! Hooray! With some of my favorite people this world has to offer. 5 girls. 4 boys. Laur, Jessi, Manda, Em, Steve, Parker, Matt, and Jordan. This is those 3 days in quotes. Are you ready for this?

stop station. turn right so we can hunt a coyote because that's the only food we'll find. pizza hut. brady the birdy. how do you know that baby? oh, he's mine. prinky promise. i'm going to take this spoon and stab it in your forehead. how much grapes did you freeze? mamagee. pluck oranges. fruit box. pepper spray. i hate the elderly. parker, we're in public. give me the beach boys and free my soul. happy birthday, steve! if you scream in this car... the middle seat/second row. i can't get escaped from this. steve driving off without matt. matt bleeding profusely. rock, crawl under it, die. maybe i should go back to wearing diapers too. you know where that goes, right? brycie! no, brycie!! very slubtley. crazy man at 4 am.
It was a good time. Definitely.
***
Ok... I'll be completely honest. I don't remember what occurred before that. My brain doesn't go back that far. Just know that it's been a fantastic summer already and I can't wait for it to continue.

And hopefully I can put into words the great ideas in my head. That's my goal for this week. An interesting post.

the color purple

Welcome to the musings of a 17 [almost 18] year old girl.

I graduated 3 days ago and as I walked up the stairs to my seat I looked at my dear little Ally B and felt a pang of heartsickness. She is heading to SUU in the fall, and I'm staying right here in Happy Valley. I realized how scary it is not to know what will be going on with some of my best friends as I head to school and they either stay here or head to someplace new. So, for all of my friends who I may not see for a while, this is for you. Who knows what this will end up being or how often I will even post, but here it is.

I figure I better explain why I'm calling this blog "A Life of Purple." Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, my musical theater class put on a showcase for our final project. It was an absolutely heart-wrenching and beautiful experience. The last song we, as a little family, sang together is called "The Color Purple."

Dear God, dear stars, dear trees, dear sky,

Dear peoples, dear everything, dear God.

God is inside me and everyone else

That was or ever will be.

I came into this world with God

And when I finally looked inside, I found it,

Just as close as my breath is to me.

Rising, rising, rising like the sun

Is the hope that sets us free.

Your heartbeat make my heart beat

When we share love.

Like a blade of corn, like a honeybee,

Like a waterfall, all a part of me.

Like the color purple,

Where do it come from?

Now my eyes are open,

Look what God has done.

It take a grain of love

To make a mighty tree.

Even the smallest voice

Can make a harmony.

Like a drop of water

Keep the river high.

There are miracles

For you and I.

I don't think us feel old at all.

I think this is the youngest us ever felt.

Amen.

This song has grown to have so much more meaning than anyone outside of the class will ever know. Reason #1) I find it so fitting that the last word I ever said on the stage that was my home for the past three years was "Amen." I was able to end the prayer I began with Peter Pan with a prayer from the very bottom of my heart. Reason #2) It is happening more and more often as I continue to look closely at the people that surround me, but during Les Mis I learned that I can see God in the faces of every single person that walks this earth, and it's especially easy to see in the people you love the most. "God is inside me and everyone else." The people I was on stage with are the ones I have seen my Heavenly Father in the very most often. Reason #3) I got to hold one of my very best friend's hand while she sang this song to me. Mal is one of the people I will miss the very most and I think she will be the one I will have the hardest time leaving.

One of the final days of class before we performed, J talked to us about the true meaning of the color purple. This is what the color purple now means to me:

Purple is one of the most unique and precious colors in this world. And in our lives, purple is found only when we share a piece of hearts and selves with the people that surround us. When we are able to share ourselves and work toward something bigger than ourselves, we create purple. It cannot be created by only one person and there has to be selfless love and service mutually given. Our musical theater class was able to create purple in the projects we put together. And I've never had a more wonderful strengthening or learning experience in my life. It's a beautiful feeling.

And now, as I move on and find new family and friends to create these experiences with, I hope to find ways to live my life with as much purple in it as is humanly possible. A life of rewarding experiences and relationships, a life of true love, a life of joy. A life of purple.