iris.

music is pretty much my life.

yup, that would explain it.
i sing out loud on a daily basis: in the car, at rehearsal, in my room, in the shower.
finding great new music has almost become an obsession.
to be quite honest with you, music has become something that i simply could not live without.

iris by the goo goo dolls is a song that has explained me as a human being since the first time i heard it years ago.

some of my favorite moments...
i know that you feel me somehow. you're the closest to heaven i'll ever be...
i just don't want to miss you tonight.
you can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies. when everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.
and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand. when everything's made to be broken, i just want you to know who i am.

it's hard to explain. there have been so many times since about ninth grade that this song has explained how i feel perfectly. funny how that works. in general, this song has put in words my being insecure and feeling afraid to show my true self to the world but finding that one person it's easy to trust. and when i find that one person, still being afraid to show them me because sometimes everything seems unreal and so unsure. it's something i'm working on, and i'm sure i'll be working on it for the rest of my life. i'm trying to let more people in and be more trusting, but sometimes it's hard. and this song is one i'm listening to a lot.

anyway, if you haven't heard this song, i highly recommend you doing that immediately.

hey, what do you know? iris is a shade of purple.

finding it.

purple.
finding it every day.
some days it's rough. most days it's easy.

today was one of the easy ones. some of the things that made my day purple...

being able to sit and talk through the wee hours of the morning with someone who listens. and then talks back. feeling that my ideas are worth listening to.
gettings hugs. the ones that you know mean the other person truly cares. feeling that i am worth loving.
the moment after winning an intense round of hand and foot. the winning wasn't the greatest part. it was after, the feeling that josh gave me and i knew that i was a worthwhile partner. feeling that i am valuable. [and that's a rare occasion when i'm playing card games]
singing along with guitar playing friends. feeling that i have no need to be self-concious and every reason to be myself.
walking through a park and watching a dad with his little girl. feeling that the world is a beautiful place.
talking and driving just because. feeling that i can be a good friend and i am a friend worth having. 
doing baptisms for the dead. praying for the people i was serving. feeling like i was able to help someone who was not able to help herself.
cleaning up breakfast. feeling like i can grow up and take care of myself and eventually others too.

these are just a few of the moments throughout the day where i caught glimpses of purple. they may not have lasted very long, but they were purple. it's so different for everyone. sometimes it is a person, sometimes a place, a song, an activity, an emotion. and it completely depends on you.
for me extended moments of purple, i have found, most often happen on stage, when i am singing and giving my heart to someone. but these extended moments do happen occasionally when i am sitting with someone and talking one on one about something important to me. giving my heart is not something i am able to explain. and honestly, it's not something that comes easy. at least for me. 1) i have never been able to communicate well. 2) there is always the fear of rejection. that's why there are not very many people i am able to completely share my heart with. it's scary sometimes. there are so few, in fact, that i can list them on one hand.

but i find it. in little moments. every single day.

where do you find your purple?

i've been thinking...

i know. it's a shocker.

i heard something recently that for some reason just keeps coming back.

everything everyone does is so they will be loved.

it's one of those pretty obvious things, but then you think about it a little bit longer, and you realize how true it is.

my biggest mistakes happened because i wanted to be loved.
but so did my biggest successes.

the reason it keeps coming back is because i find myself getting annoyed or frustrated with somthing someone is doing and then i think of the above statement. and i find i am quite a bit more accepting of stupid things people do or say, because i honestly know exactly why they do/say it. it's the same reason i do everything i do.

it's because feeling loved is such a unique gift. everyone gives it and everyone receives it, but each time it is given or received it is special.

and that's what makes life purple.

inspiration.

ok. i know this is a little bit late. or a lot late. but i am posting.

a couple of days ago the girl, the grouch and the goat (hereafter known as GGG) got done with practice early and a couple of us snuck into the back of 110 in the shade featuring audra mcdonald and will swensen. as soon as audra mcdonald walked on the stage i got goosebumps. like the kind of goosebumps that make you feel like your skin is going to pop. and then she opened her mouth. i cried. literally. tears flowing down my cheeks. if you haven't heard any of the music from 110 in the shade, i suggest you do so now. it might only have been brilliant because audra mcdonald was singing it, but after listening to it again, i'm pretty sure it is brilliant all on it's own.

audra mcdonald has a way of drawing an audience in and making them become completely connected to her. she walked on stage and my eyes didn't leave her, even while other actors sang and danced around her. i wish i could figure out how she does it. she does what i have been trying to do and wishing i could do and working toward for the past three years of my life. when she sang "old maid" my heart just about exploded because of the emotion that i felt from her. that kind of feeling is not acted. that is true pain. maybe i haven't lived long enough to have experiences that give you the ability to show an audience something like that, but she has a way of showing her heart that is unmatched by anyone i have ever seen.

the rest of the cast was amazing as well. i definitely wouldn't mind someone looking at me the way will swensen looked at audra and telling me that i am beautiful. h.c. [the father of lizzie] reminded me so much of my own dad that i immediately fell in love with him. they were all simply wonderful.

ok... now to the inspiring part. earlier this week i was in a rough spot emotionally and spiritually. i felt like i wasn't good for much of anything but i didn't really feel like trying. it was one of those ruts that seems impossible to get out of. but as i watched one of the most beautiful people i've ever seen do something that she had worked so hard for and is now one of the best, i realized something. i may never get to broadway or win a tony award or even do another show after GGG, honestly who knows where my life will lead me? but i am more than ordinary. whatever i choose to do, whether it is theater or getting married immediately [i'm not planning on doing that... but if it happens, it happens] or doing something i never expected at school, i will work hard for whatever it is and i will be worthwhile. i wiped my eyes and walked out of the theater feeling uplifted and ready to take life by the horns.

now tell me that truly amazing theater isn't something worth living for.